I was lost without you
by Lanaara
Summary: The continuation of the  breathing  scene at the end of Mass Effect 3. Shepard wakes up in the rubble only to experience more pain - saying goodbye to her love. F!ShepardXKaidan.
1. Shepard

**A/N:** Name for the story comes from the Mass Effect 3 OST - I was lost without you. Mostly because I was listening to it while I was writing this, not to mention that the name itself is just epic. Might continue this later, as in from Kaidan's POV, don't know yet. Wanted to show a more human side to Shepard, because she can't always be a rational, cold hearted leader.

Personally, I hated the ending, especially how it suddenly ended with that `breathing` scene, so decided to just head-cannon what will happen next. Kaidan and Shepard need more love 3 (I still cried for days after the ending though, I'm too emotional D:).

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><p>…"No! Someone get a team there! I order you!" Familiar voice. It was shaking, as if the person talking tried not to cry, angry. The voice was full of anger, rage and…sorrow.<p>

"Major…the reports say that no one has made it to the beam and we can't risk to get a team there, there might be still husk—" Another voice. Unfamiliar. Covered with static, same as the previous one. Was this other person afraid? Most likely.

"I don't give a fucking damn! Shepard is still there! She might still be _alive_ !" Again that familiar voice. The voice that I had grown to love throughout all these 3 – almost 4 – years. _Kaidan._ The moment I remembered his name I tried to stand up, reach out, as if the person was near me. I could hear him! Sudden pain in my side made me fall back on the rubble and a growl escaped my lips. Not a growl rather, but a whisper – my throat was sore and dry as if the last time I drank anything was years ago.

My thoughts were interrupted again by that unfamiliar voice. "Major, we cannot risk an operation there –"Once again it was cut off, but not by Kaidan. _My_ Kaidan.

"Major Alenko, calm down." This voice was familiar as well...but as I tried to remember the name my head felt like it was about to explode from the pain. "We will get a team ready as soon as the Reapers leave that area."

"By that time Shepard will die!" Kaidan's voice was shaking even more now. Why? What has happened that had hurt him so much? Damn, if only I could stand up.

Only now I noticed that I was lying with my eyes closed. Darkness changed to a blurry vision of something blue and gray. No matter how much I tried to blink the blurriness wouldn't go away. What was this? As I reached out my fingers touched something solid – it was gray and hard…_concrete_.

"I know…I know." Hackett. Finally my mind managed to remember the other man's name. He also sounded worried, scared even.

Only now had I realized that they were talking about _me_. Why didn't I notice them call out my name before? _Shepard_. Me.

My hand reached out to the radio device placed in my ear. My helmet was gone, or rather I felt that it somehow melted down because I felt the radio device ruined as if someone had placed it in a microwave and then back in my ear.

"This is Commander Shepard." My voice was shacking, I could barely hear it myself. Lips were dry, when I tried to lick them I felt a salty taste - dried blood – and with each word that I said my throat responded with a slight cough and pain. "Status…report." As I managed to squeeze out these last words my hand fell limply beside me. No more strength to move or even talk.

Probably my sudden appearance on the radio made everyone shocked because everything suddenly went silent. How much time has passed? For me it felt like hours before finally someone began talking on the radio again, but probably for the rest only a few seconds have passed.

"_Shepard?_ What's your location?" Kaidan's voice stopped shacking. What a relief. But now he sounded even more scared than before, confused. Another growl escaped my lips – his voice was so loud that I felt like my head was being drilled. Yet I wanted to hear more. More of his voice. I wanted to hear him all the time; his voice was the only thing keeping me sane throughout all these years.

_Come on. Move…move…move!_ I could barely move my hand, let alone raise it up to press on the device in my ear. This weakness was unusual, strange and…it scared me. Slowly I managed to raise my arm and press on the device. "I…do not know. There is…rubble…around me. Can see something blue to the right…probably the beam." To say the truth I was amazed that I could still talk. My throat responded to every said word in waves of pain, mouth was full of something salty. Something warm slid down the corner of my mouth.

Clenching my teeth I tried to move. Get up. Look around. Easier said than done. Yet somehow I managed to move up but not stand up. Back was brushing against the concrete, right leg finally began to move – it was probably crushed under one of the broken concrete's pieces – and by pressing the piece with my foot I managed to lean against something behind me. At least now I was sitting.

"…Commander!" Because of the sudden change of position my head was spinning and I felt my stomach turn. Only now had I noticed that Kaidan was trying to reach out to me through the radio once again. "Shepard don't you dare die on me, you hear me?" This phrase made me smirk – damn, what an asshole I am to laugh at someone worrying about you. "I hear you…Kaidan." My voice fully disappeared, now it was only whispers. I turned my head to the right so that the button would be pressed by the nearby broken Mako's wheel.

Left hand was pressing against the side of my abdomen that was sending waves of pain with every taken breath. Broken ribs maybe? No. Can't be. They are slightly up…though no, scratch that. Some of them are surely broken. Why else would I not be able to breathe normally? But then why…No. No, it can't be.

Finally I managed to force myself to look down at the side. Armor was melted down at some parts, it was fully gone on my left arm but now something else was covering it. Something red. I was _bleeding_ . How many times was I hurt to such a state? Sure there were bullets, but armor and barriers have kept me from sustaining any major wounds. Here…my side was bleeding nonstop no matter how hard I pressed on it. I was _scared_. My head began to spin; the weakness came back as soon as I realized that I was bleeding. No. As soon as I realized that I was _dying_. For the second time in my life.

How was it before? When I was dying after the Normandy got destroyed? I do not remember. I could only remember the pain in my lungs as I was gasping for air that didn't exist around me at that moment.

"…Shepard. Light a flare. We will send a team after you…just hang on, alright?" Again that wonderful voice. My eyes closed as I listened to him.

"No." I took a deep breath – bad move by the way because my broken ribs did not like it in the least – and opened my eyes. "There is no point Kaidan. You know it as well. I…won't make it by the time you get here." Yes, he won't make it. I was wounded, heavily. Lost too much blood…why is this happening? Why can't this all end, and I will just wake up, again in his warm arms around my body. Is that too much to ask for? After everything that I have done? Crap...

"No, no, Shepard, we will make it. _I_ will make it! We will get you out of there – damn it, someone track her signal and get me a location! – and we will patch you up, get you on the Normandy and… and everyone will be happy to see you again…Fucking damn, work faster!" His voice began to shake once again, it was mixed with anger and sorrow just like the first time I heard him when I woke up. I reached out, as if trying to place my hand on his soft cheek to calm him down, only to place it on the concrete above me. Tears were pouring down my face.

I was not scared of dying. Hell, sometimes I _wanted_ to die and finally rest. I could give away my life without a second thought if it meant saving my loved ones, hell, even to save the galaxy. But now…I was afraid to loose him again. To not see him again. To not feel his warm lips over mine. To not wake up in his arms again and sneak out quietly not to wake him up.

I covered my face with my right hand – the left one was still covering the wound as if that did any good – to brush off the tears. "I…am sorry, Kaidan." The moment that I closed my eyes I saw his smile. How I loved it…so gentle, so loving. I would give up everything just to see it again. "No, Nataly, everything will be fine…just…wait, hang on, ok?" I could hear that he didn't believe himself already. He was breathing heavily – probably running – and no doubt crying as much I was now.

_I can't loose you again._

"Sorry, I was not able to keep my promise and stay safe…" coughing interrupted me from talking, drops of blood covered my hand after I stopped.

"No, no, no! Don't talk like that! Everything will be fine, you'll see!" I felt my eyes close once again against my will. The pain was disappearing, breathing became harder and harder with each passing second. "Just don't die…please, don't die. We will get you out of there...and we will go on a shore leave. Relax…remember I talked about owning a land near the seaside? We will build a house there…and live there. Just please…hang on."

Living with Kaidan. That is something that I wished for years already. Away from all this mess. Just him and me. This thought made me smile. "I am sorry…Kaidan." My whispering was barely heard, talking was harder because of the weakness. "It's been an ho –" I was cut off by his sudden yelling – "Don't you dare say that! It's not over! You are still alive…we will get you out of there…just please don't give up…I'm begging you." His words made more tears run down from my eyes once again.

This weakness was pissing me off to say the truth. Crying while being wounded. Like a little girl. I hated this part of myself. Guess that makes me more like a human than a walking cyborg that some people saw me as.

"I love you, Kaidan." My voice was now gone completely, or whatever was left of it…I was tired. Forcing my eyes open was now impossible…I could see his face…that smile…those warm eyes, as if he was standing right in front of me. I wanted to reach out, wanted to touch him…for the last time…My hand fell down a few seconds after I managed to forced it up and reach out to the imaginary image in my mind.

"I love you too, Nataly. I will always love you…and will never forget you…" Darkness covered me completely now. Kaidan's face was slowly disappearing…his words echoing in my mind. He said something else…but I could not hear him anymore. I could not hear anything anymore.

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><p>I'm already working on the second chapter, so probably will update it in a few days - need to get more Mass Effect 3 inspiration ;D<p> 


	2. Kaidan

I wonder if I was so nervous before. During our fight with Saren for some reason I felt confident, not a single part of me was afraid that we would lose. Same was for the rest of the team. Somehow, we _knew _that everyone of us will come back alive, well and probably even uninjured. Now…well, damn, I was almost shaking from the fear.

But was this fear caused by the thought of losing the battle or by the thought of losing _her? _I realized that if we lose this battle the war is lost as well – all our fleets, all our forces are stationed here, as well as the Reaper forces. This was the so called `last battle`. Crap, but why on _Earth? _Why not on some uncharted planet? Why _my _homeworld? Now I kind of understand how Tali felt when the geth were still taking over her homeworld. I just hope it turns out as good as it turned out with the geth – though I doubt that Shepard will be able to talk the Reapers down.

_Shepard_. God, not being by her side at this moment made me break apart. I sat on one of the crates in the `base`, my elbows on my knees and forehead rested on the back of my hands. I could hear gunfire outside, could hear the Reapers – the sound creeped me out – and could hear soldiers reporting to each other either on the radio or near me. After Shepard left I never turned off my radio and listened carefully just in case I hear her voice or even get _some _news about what was happening to her out there. This waiting was killing me even more than not being able to be near her as she was literally going on a suicide mission.

The rest of the crew was stationed on different parts inside of the `base` because Hackett didn't want to risk and send his best troops – us – in the battle just yet. Apparently we were the last line of defense and would help defend the `base` if we get attacked again. Liara was stationed in the med – bay – or the hospital, depends on how you think of the half broken room with half dead soldiers inside – and tried to help out as best as she could, Garrus was helping Hackett give away orders, Tali was repairing equipment, Javik…well all he did was pout and talk about his revenge – I never really understood or liked him, I just can't see why Shepard even keeps him around; _oh yes, the last Prothean, how could I forget?_ – though he did help out a few times on the barricade when a few waves of husks came, EDI was helping with navigation, James was rallying the troops and gave them inspirational speeches (reminded me of Shepard when I first heard his speech). And me? I was just sitting doing nothing and worrying my ass off because my Biotics Division was off out in the battlefield helping with the barriers and so on. I was _useless _at this moment. Made me not only feel weak but even more nervous – at least _some _work would keep me from thinking so much of Shepard.

"God…they are all gone." I felt my heart skip a beat at that comment. My jaw dropped in confusion, eyes became lifeless. Heck, I even forgot to breathe.

"Did we get anyone to the beam?" Another voice on the radio. Only later had I realized that I was repeating one word over and over again in my head `Yes`. You can't imagine how much I wanted to hear that word as a reply. Or at least hear that _she _is safe.

I felt like hours have passed till I hear the reply – "Negative. Our entire force was decimated."

What I felt at that moment? Hard to explain. I felt like a part of me has died. I felt like _I _died. I still sat on the crate, still with my jaw dropped, eyes looking at through the ground, the reply echoing in my mind. I could feel my hands become cold and probably if I saw myself at that moment I would see that I was pale as snow.

Shepard has _died_. This sudden realization has struck me. She has _died_. I will never see her again, will never hear her laugh again, will never feel the warmth of her body near mine again. I will never hear that calm, soothing voice again. She was gone. My Shepard, my Nataly, is gone.

I felt like this when I realized that she was not in the escape pod with Joker. I could not believe it at first, thought that maybe she was in another pod, thought that maybe she was still somewhere near, trying to find the rest of the crew. But she wasn't. While Joker tried to explain what had happened – as he talked he stuttered, looking always at the ground and talking so quietly that I could barely hear him – I tried not to attack him and break every bone in his body so that he would feel the same pain as I felt at that moment. To feel what Shepard felt as she was dying. Because of _him. _

Now, however, I knew whom to blame. I knew who was at fault and who needed to die.

Slowly I managed to stand up. I felt dead. I felt like this body was not mine anymore. I wanted to go outside, kill every Reaper in my sight just to make this pain go away. But the rational part of me kicked in – thank god – so I reached out to the radio device in my ear. Attempt to talk failed miserably. For some reason my mouth opened but no sound came from my throat, only mouth was opening and closing as I tried to say at least _something_. Damn it. This weakness made me cover my face with my hands, eyes closed, my eyebrows narrowed. I was angry; no, not at Shepard for making me stay here, not even at the Reapers – I was angry at myself from not being able to be by her side again. But this _has _to change. I _will not _sit my ass off again not being able to do anything. Even if it meant dying, even if it meant finding her cold body – no, I don't even want to think of this – I will find her.

As I finally managed to squeeze words out I could not recognize my voice at all, it was shacking and unusually cold. "What of Shepard and Anderson?" The reply came in only a few moments later, the voice was familiar…Major Coats. Never really liked him; probably because he looked at Shepard in such a way that made jealousy boil inside me.

"Anderson has made it out alive, he is being transported to the SSV Normandy SR – 2 med – bay. We do not know of Shepard yet however…" Coats sounded rather down, which was hell weird considering the fact that he respected Anderson even more than Shepard.

"How did Anderson make it out alive?" I replied and added with a slight hesitation, "are you sure that Shepard did not make it?"

"I am positive, Major. Anderson was apparently pushed away from the beam by one of the squads' members. I do not yet know the details." He ignored the question regarding Shepard. Little bastard. Rage began to overflow me, my eyebrows narrowed even more, making the soldiers, who stood near me, scared just by looking at me.

The news of Anderson surviving spread like forest fire among the soldiers. Heck, that made them _happy. _What an asshole I am, I begin to sicken myself. Anderson was important to the whole human fleet, he was important to me, to _Shepard_, yet I am angry that _he _made it and _Shepard _didn't. Shepard was more of like an icon, a superhero to these men and women, whereas Anderson was like an avatar of victory, an icon of survival. He had kept all of these men alive under his leadership, saved their lives more times than I can count, kept _Earth _safe. And Shepard? Got nearly every god damned fleet in the galaxy here. Her job was done, while Anderson still had a role to play. Bastards. Even I am a bastard.

"Get a team ready. Now. We will search for survivors." I spoke again trying to hide the shacking in my voice – both from anger and sorrow. I even had to clench my wrist to feel the uncomfortable, even painful, feeling over my knuckles just to keep myself in check and not rage out or even cry out.

"We cannot Major, that area is swarming with husks. We will not get a team ready as long as the enemy forces are there." Coats began to annoy me more and more. I swear to god, once I find this little bastard I will break his jaw just by talking back to me and not helping me get his _superhero_ out of the enemy zone.

"I said _get a team ready._" I was slowly losing my temper. A slight blue aura started glowing around my fists – bad sign.

"Kaidan! Shepard is _dead _we will not risk a team there only to find her obliterated corpse!" At the last few words I felt hair move at the back of my head.

"No! Someone get a team there! I order you!" My voice was shacking, throat was as if covered by something that prevented me to talk normally. Vision began to blur. I will not accept that Shepard is dead. Not like before. I will search for her even if it meant finding her corpse…no, I will not even think about it. She _is _alive.

"Major…the reports say that no one has made it to the beam and we can't risk to get a team there, there might be still husk—" This was not Coats, probably I annoyed him to the point when he decided to ignore my pointless ranting. Can't judge him too, I would've done the same.

"I don't give a fucking damn! Shepard is still there! She might still be _alive_!"

"Major Alenko, calm down." Hackett. I hope that he at least will get a team ready, Shepard was his favo – ""We will get a team ready as soon as the Reapers leave that area."

Even Hackett was against me. I am too naïve to think that he will listen to me, damn it. But why won't he at least _try_? If it wasn't for Shepard this whole damned fleet would've not been here! Yet once she is _presumed_ dead no one gives a damn! If it was Anderson MIA not Shepard then…No. Stop this, Kaidan. I will get to Shepard, even alone, just for the chance to see her again. If she is dead, then so be it, I will die fighting trying to get to her.

"By that time Shepard will die!" I slammed my fist onto the wall making a few cracks appear. A slight blue aura around my fists disappeared the moment I did that. That felt good, too bad I didn't do that to Coats…but that can wait.

After Hackett's reply I understood that actually he wanted to go find Shepard as much as I wanted. Now, to say the truth, I respect him a bit more. Instead of yelling at everyone around him to organize a rescue party, like I was, he kept himself in check, understanding perfectly that sending his men to death would not bring Commander Shepard back. Would not bring _her _back.

What happened next was…so much unexpected that I thought that I have gone completely insane and probably I was not the only one who thought that way. The radio silence indicated that I was not the only one who was standing with his jaw dropped and eyes wide from shock. _She was alive_. This thought made me come back to reality, but still I could not believe my own ears. I rested my hands over the wall in front of me not to fall on the ground – for some reason I felt weak. Well...I was just reliving the pain of hearing that Shepard, _my Shepard_, my love, has died.

I tried asking her for her location, reaching out to her, but…everything has failed. I listened to her voice, remembered her every word. Only later had I noticed that I was crying, tears were running down my cheeks as I clenched my teeth trying to prevent myself from screaming and run out guns blazing in the enemy territory. I will _not _let her die.

All these years I was standing on the side lines, either helping her or betraying her. First there was Eden Prime, where she was hit by that beam because of _me. _Then the Normandy got destroyed. She has ordered me to leave, saying that she will go get Joker and leave as well. I left. That was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. After realizing that she was dead…well, I tried to forget her. Tried to erase her from my life as soon as possible because the pain that was brought to me by the news of her dying made me go slowly insane – I was dying inside. What I did to forget her...well I regret ever doing that. I regret everything that I have done up till now. Especially I regret all the pain that I have brought on _her _whiletrying to forget Shepard. Horizon made me realize that, the moment I saw her again made me realize that. But instead of apologizing to her, instead of hugging her and kissing her saying how much I missed her, I yelled at her. Not because I was angry at her – though a part of me was angry at her because she did not even try to contact me and worst of all was working for Cerberus! – but because I was angry at myself. At not trying to search for her. At not waiting for her. I was selfish and not even worthy of her attention. Shepard was out of my league, both of us understood that. Actually I never cared about her over shadowing me, instead I was honored of knowing her and of being by her side no matter what. Well, until I left her like a coward not wanting to realize what I have done and make up for all those mistakes. I left her on Mars. I doubted her during Udina's coup. No more.

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><p>My body was moving on its own accord. Vision blurred because of the tears that were still running down my cheeks and because of the anger that was overflowing me. No one cared about her. <em>No one<em>. The radio was silent after she stopped replying to my calls, the whole `base` was silent. This silence was killing me, eating me slowly inside. Breathing was hard, as if something was choking me, so I gasped for air but the more I gasped for it the less got into my lungs. I hated this feeling but at the same time was used to it – this happened 3 years ago, after she was listed as MIA.

I stormed off towards the command center where most of my gear was. And where Shepard's team was supposed to be, most of it at least. Soldiers were stepping aside – more like jumping aside – for me to walk through, all of them did not dare to look at my face. Can't blame them, the whole fleet now knew about me and Shepard.

Strange though. I should be worried about Anderson, about what was happening on the battlefield, about what was happening to my Biotics Division. Yet all I could care about now is Shepard. Her smiling face was stuck in my head. Have to say, she looked good. After being relieved from duty she changed, not in a bad way, no, but in a good way. Started wearing make up for a change. I knew that she was on Earth but did not dare come to her – because of what happened on Horizon I was ashamed of even showing up in front of her. They had shown her on the news a few times during her tribunal and really, if it wasn't for the `Natalia Shepard` written at the bottom of the screen I would have never guessed that it was her. Hair was light brown, not the strawberry blond that I had seen when on Horizon, it became shorter but not as short as I remembered her while we were serving on the Normandy. I still remember how she would not care about her hair in the least, would even cut it herself while in her quarters, so it was always a messy shoulder length hair style. On Horizon though her hair was pulled up in a tight bun at the back of her head and was blond, only then had I realized that it was her _real _hair color. Seeing her with normal make up on also amazed me, though a part of me thought that she was perhaps forced to wear it for the interview, the black and light grey eye shadow, barely seen blush and red lips. To say the truth I do not understand anything about make up – or anything else related to women's looks – but I was amazed on how much it suited her.

Probably Shepard looked so different because she was not under so much stress and covered with so much work. The memory of her trying to dry her hair, put on some make up and get dressed at the same time made me smile. After the battle with Saren I had spent some time in her quarters and noticed quite a few interesting things about her behavior.

The slight smile disappeared as soon as I imagined how she would look now. On the radio I heard her cough, heard how she was struggling to talk. Images of her being wounded, of being covered in her own blood, of even having her limbs blown off…they made me sick. I even had to rest my hands on the nearby wall and took a few deep breaths to calm myself down. I _had _to get to her. No matter the cost, even if I had to die. Even if the whole humanity had to die today I _had _to see her again. To hold her again. To hear her voice again. Nothing else matters.

I stormed in the command center scaring everyone that was inside. My weapons and helmet lay on the other side of the room so I, in large steps, crossed the room and started putting the weapons on myself. _Thermal clips, grenades, pills, assault rifle, pistol…_I repeated these words as I took the equipment, it was sort of a habit. Got it from Shepard who would always say out loud what she was taking with her, even during the mornings when she was getting ready.

Thoughts of Shepard made my stomach turn and heart skip a beat. Breathing was hard once again but I tried not to show it to the people in the room. I cannot break down now, even in front of these ignorant people.

Suddenly something heavy fell on my shoulder that made me stop putting the heavy pistol in its slot on my left hip. I looked to the side only to see Garrus's hand. "What?" My voice scared even me – it was lifeless, angry, cold. He did not reply, only mandibles moved as if he was thinking what to say.

"If you are trying to stop me, Garrus, then I will not." I shrugged him off and continued equipping the weapons. What happened next made me stop once again. _Garrus was also putting on his equipment. _"No, I am coming with you." He explained and then looked at me right in the eyes. "Shepard isn't dead, we will get her. And kick the Reaper's ass while at it." I could not stop myself from smiling. Well at least someone else wasn't giving up on Shepard yet.

"I am coming as well." Liara spoke out and came to us. I noticed her red eyes, cold expression made her completely unrecognizable.

I wanted to smile, wanted to say thank you, but no words managed to come out. I was scared, no, terrified. Not for myself but for not being able to get there in time. But we will. Shepard would have done the same for us, I am sure of that. I will not let her down. _We _will not let her down.

* * *

><p>My kill count was off the charts, same went for Garrus and Liara I am sure. We went on foot, the shuttle – piloted by Cortez – was following us. Getting to the beam on foot was hard because husks jumped on us from every corner, but our anger gave us enough strength to kill them in a blink of an eye. Hell, my biotics were never so powerful. I warped the enemies the moment I saw them, overloaded their armor and let Garrus finish the job. Let Liara use singularity and then shoot the damn bastards down. Heh, this reminded me too much of our fights with Shepard – we knew exactly what she would tell us to do and so we did that. Anger was pushing us forward, no one noticed the fatigue, no one even noticed how much time has passed – we just kept pushing forward. Beam was getting closer but so were the Reapers.<p>

Reports stated that this area was swarming with husks and we understood that the moment we got here. Cortez was warning us if we had a Harvester or a Banshee near us but even so we barely had enough time to get prepared before being attacked by them. Good thing that the thermal clips lay around the battlefield, if not then we would just have had to melee the bastards down. Sometimes Cortez would fire a few missiles to clear the path, but even so it was hard. Well no wonder, a team of 3 was not enough to kill every Reaper in sight. Though, no, scratch that. Shepard would be able to. I even sometimes wondered how she did something what a full battalion would not be able to do. Remarkable woman.

Finally, we saw it. The blue light of the beam blinded us, it was hard to see. We expected heavy resistance near it but alas, nothing was in sight. Makos were scattered around the place, a lot of bodies lay in pools of blood. The sight was terrifying. One of the moments in my life that I will wish to forget. The thought of Shepard being somewhere there, crushed by concrete or even by the Mako, made me clench my teeth. To the right I saw Garrus's mandibles twitch and his grip on the rifle tighten. He looked through the scope – better safe than sorry – looking over the area. "Clear. Let's go."

With those words we jumped down and started running. I wonder if I ever ran so fast before, heck, I wonder if I was even able to run so fast before. My legs were moving on their own, mouth gasping for air, sweat ran down from my temples and down my neck. "Check the piles, Shepard is somewhere here!" I yelled out to Garrus and Liara as we ran and finally stopped as soon as the piles of Makos were just a few feet away.

Slowly I took off the helmet to look around – the damn thing kept most of what was happening around me out of sight. Something cold fell on my cheek that made me look up. London was always famous by its rains…too bad I could not come here before the attack and walk around London. My mistake. The cold water fell on my hair, my face, crawled under my armor, I couldn't care less. _Shepard was here_.

My body was moving on its own accord as I was looking over the piles of concrete, under Makos, even under the corpses of the soldiers. Shepard's description of where she was burned itself on the back of my head so I always looked around to see where she might have been. My eyes finally fixated on the large pile of concrete a few feet away from a crushed Mako. Heart skipped a beat, I even forgot how to breathe. Feet dragged over the ground as I walked towards it.

Hands gripped the concrete to push it away, I did not notice it's weight, did not notice it's sharp edges pushing against the gloves of my armor, did not notice the hard crashing sound that it made once moved. I wonder if this is what I expected to see. I wondered if this is what I _wanted_ to see. Yet my hands still reached out towards her and took her slowly in my arms.

Shepard lay under the concrete, head moved to the side, eyes closed. Blood was running down the corner of her mouth, face covered by a mix of dried blood and dirt, hair messy, strands of it glued to her forehead by the dried blood, black circles under her eyes. Armor was melted, covered also by blood – hers or even some else's – and dirt, her left hand was covering the wound on her side. The rain fell over her cheeks leaving traces over the dried blood and dirt. I moved her slowly towards myself, placing my face between her neck and jawline. Shepard was cold but I still could hear her heart beat. It was slow, barely noticeable, yet there it was. Breathing was uneven.

"Shepard!" I heard Liara's voice behind me but I did not move or reply. Shepard was here, alive, once again in my arms. Even if the whole galaxy goes to hell I will never let go. Never again will I let someone take her away from me. Only over my dead body.

I flinched when I felt Liara's hand on my shoulder. "Kaidan, we have to get Shepard out of here. She needs medical attention." I tried to ignore her, but she was right. Hesitantly I let her and Garrus help me put Shepard on the chairs inside the shuttle that Cortez has lowered down for us to get on. Liara and Garrus sat down on the chairs opposite of Shepard but I did not dare move from her side, so I just sat – fell even – on the floor, taking her hand in mine and putting it near my cheek.

Emotions were overflowing me, it is hard to explain what I felt at that moment. Fear mixed with happiness? Perhaps. Anger mixed with sorrow? Maybe. My heart was beating so fast that I felt as if it wanted to break the rib cage and ran way. Breathing was hard. Shivers ran down my spine every minute. I wanted to be happy, but at the same time I realized that time was running out, if we don't make it in time then all this effort would mean nothing. Hell, if she dies here and now…I might as well jump out and be killed by husks on the ground rather than live with the thought of being so close but not close enough to saving her.

I could not let myself stand on the sidelines anymore, I had to do something. And I did. I found Shepard, she was _alive _even though all of those idiots in the `base` said otherwise. And I swear to god, once I find that Coats…well he will regret not being shot down by a Reaper earlier today. I sicken myself, despise myself for such thoughts but I could not stop the anger from overflowing my body.

Grip on Shepard's hand tightened as I closed my eyes and rested my forehead over her hand. The coldness of her hand made me even more scared, but just by having her near me somehow calmed me down but at the same time scared me even more. I am probably talking gibberish right now, but it is really hard to explain all these overflowing feelings inside me. Shepard made me go insane, that was true at least.

Everything was happening to fast that I could barely understand it. It was like watching movie while skipping most of it to get to the important parts. We got to the base, people were running around us like swarms of bugs, screaming was heard all around, radio was going insane. Shepard's arrival to the `base` spread even faster than Anderson being alive. The doctors yelled at me to let go of Shepard but I could not understand them, I could not even understand why they needed her. It was like my brain has stopped functioning. Only after Garrus has barked at me to let go of Shepard did I finally let my grip on her loosen up. A familiar vision of silky black hair appeared in front of my eyes, but at that moment I could not care less about it. I do not remember how we got to the Normandy, hell, I did not even know that the Normandy was _here _even though I did hear that Anderson was there when he was brought back to the `base`. I rushed behind the doctors to the med bay, always tried to stay by Shepard, but the moment when we got to the Normandy I was yelled at for not being able to go inside and was pushed out by Doctor Chakwas, who, by the way, was pale as printer paper. The door closed right in front of my nose, the red console indicating that access was restricted. Transparent windows turned black.

I stood like that, in front of the closed door, for at least 10 minutes. The shock has not worn off yet, hell I could barely understand what has happened. As soon as I came back to reality I took a step back and look to the side. The whole Normandy crew was sitting or standing on the crew deck, some looked at the ground, others looked at me and others looked at the door. No one said a word, everything as if went silent.

Slowly I began to walk towards one of the free chairs and sat down. My whole armor and half of my face, was covered by Shepard's blood, as my hands ran through my hair I felt slight bits of rubble in it. However the normal thought of wanting a shower hasn't crossed my mind and I could not care less about how I looked like. If someone did not like it well then it was their problem. No one looked at my direction, however, even though I looked like it was _me _who has slaughtered Shepard. Terrifying sight.

I don't know how much time has passed. Maybe an hour. Maybe two hours. Maybe more. During all this time no one has broken the silence, door has not opened once and no sounds were heard from the med – bay. Inside the Normandy we could not hear the battle outside so it was hard to tell if the battle continued outside or it has ended. This waiting was slowly eating me inside and the more time passed the more I began to lose hope that the doctors would come out with good news.

"Kaidan…" Finally someone has broken the silence. It was Liara. Everyone looked at her and then at me. It was so sudden that it made me come back to reality. I looked up at her with a blank stare. "I am so sorry."

"About what?" I whispered in reply, throat was too dry too talk normally.

"No one has seen this coming –" That made me snap. I stood up and in a few steps had gotten to her, eyes full of anger and a blue aura appearing around my fists. "No, _you _saw this coming! Yet you did not do anything to prevent it!" My voice came back, even though my throat protested in a cough.

Her eyes narrowed at me with anger. "_I _saw this coming? How? I'm an archeologist, a scientist, not a fortune teller!"

"No, we all saw this coming." Everyone looked at Garrus, who suddenly spoke out. He stood near one of the walls, his arms crossed over his chest. The turian looked up from the floor and then shot a stare at me and Liara. "We all knew that Shepard might die today." I stepped away from Liara, blue aura disappearing from my fists.

He was right. We all knew that this might happen. Even though we all did not want to believe this. Accusing someone else won't change the fact that Shepard was right there, in the next room, fatally wounded. And no one of us managed to prevent that from happening.

"Her luck always amazed me." Garrus shrugged, "Eden Prime, Noveria, Feros, Ilos, the Battle for the Citadel. Hell, even the suicide mission with the Collectors. Shepard was lucky, her skills only playing a minor role in all those battles. If Collectors didn't target human colonies but the turian or asari ones then the Illusive Man wouldn't have brought her back."

Everything became silent again. Garrus was right and it made me even angrier but at the same time powerless. Shepard's luck has always amazed me as well, but I refused to believe that this would be the end. I refused to believe that after everything she has done she is not able to have a normal life away from this war. A normal life with me.

Silence was once again broken. Not by Garrus or Liara this time, no, but by the med – bay's door opening. However it was not Doctor Chakwas that came out, it was another woman. She was tall and slender, silky black hair was messed up, white uniform was covered by blood and something brown. Her blue eyes almost the same color as Shepard's…I will never forget these eyes and especially the owner of them. Victoria. My ex – fiancé.

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><p><strong>AN: **I will try to upload a new chapter on the weekend, because I wont be in the country for 3 days I do not know yet if I will be able to finish the 3rd chapter. Be ready for lots of drama though ;D I am also looking forward to hearing your opinion of Victoria, who I will describe better in the later chapters :)

Edit: At the moment too busy with real life, so it steals all my inspiration to finish the next chapter. I will try to finish it during this week, can't promise anything because once I have free time to write the chapter I open the document, write a few words, decide it's not right for the mood and close it.


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